Incommunicado

For a few weeks now, I've not been engaging with anyone - not in real life, nor online. I'm just so drained and don't want to communicate at all.

I'm posting the odd thing on social media, but not really going back when there's engagement. I just don't have the mental capacity for it at the moment. My only, incredibly brief interactions with delivery personnel are enough to make me want to have a nap.

I have two telephone appointments coming up, and I'm dreading them because I know they will exhaust me, especially since they are medical appointments where a lot of information will be exchanged.

Over the years, family have gotten used to my dipping out of contact for extended periods, but friends never really seem to get it, and I've lost contact with many. I really feel the loss, but at times like this, it just can't be helped. My family will not reach out to me during these periods; rather, they wait for me to contact them first and then engage.

I have always been an introvert. I've always struggled to connect and interact with other people, needing a recharge after every interaction. Parties weren't my thing; I'd sleep soundly if I could hear a party in the distance (the sounds of folks having a really good time), but the thought of participating was anathema to me. Long periods of being a recluse or just not engaging with people were, and still are, comfortable for me.

I dare say I am happy with my own company, doing my own thing; however, this does not mean I don't suffer from depression, because I do, and have done since I was a teenager. That said, my anxiety increases whenever I have to interact with other people - knowing that any interaction is mentally taxing doesn't help. It's a Catch-22 in some respects.

I don't get lonely either, except when I'm sick and wish there was someone to take care of me. The contradiction being that I'm a very independent person who dreads asking for help, not from pride but from fear of being a burden or not being able to reciprocate. In the end, I just don't ask.

For now, my communication is at an extremely low point. I don't know when I'll re-enter the social world. I'm just enjoying a very, very quiet life for now.

/end of ramblings